Sometimes when I allow myself to stop and think about the past year I wonder what the next several years will bring and am I ready for them? This past year has been hard. It has brought lots of things that I did not expect. Lots of learning, lots of thinking, but hard. If you had told me last March that in the next 12 months your mom will be diagnosed with bone cancer, your Grandmother will break her hip, and you will become the primary care giver, and your grandfather will have a stroke and pass away, I would have run! I would have looked at it all and been extremely overwhelmed and run the other direction. That is probably why God only tells me a tiny bit at a time –He knows I couldn’t handle it otherwise! It is neat to look back now (where it at least seems like the other side) and see how God worked. How He walked and carried me every step of the way . . .
but as I look forward... I am very thankful for all I have learned. I wouldn’t trade them, now...but....as I look forward or when I am in the mist of things I wonder if I can make it through...I feel like I am flinching. I tell God I want Him to work but at the same time I flinch because I fear the possible and probable pain. I want God to work in my life but I wish it wouldn’t be quite so painful! I wish we could become stronger with a little less working out....Don’t I sound like an American! I want all the benefits without all the work! I guess I will be growing if I can just take the next trial that will come without totally flinching before hand.
I have discovered that I really do love teaching. I love learning about something and then sharing about it with students... I just wish I could do it without all the grading that comes with it! I spent about 4 hours yesterday afternoon at a desk grading stacks of papers. Where do they all come from? They seem to multiply while they are sitting in my bag! The good thing is that now I feel like I have accomplished something!
Currently cooking:
Chicken for Chicken Salad sandwiches
Marinated Chicken for "grilling" tonight
Dried beans for stew tomorrow
All that also brings a huge feeling of accomplishment, too!
I am now the proud owner of a Beta fish! I do not know his name but he is fun to watch swimming around in his bowl while we eat. I asked my grandma what his name was and she can't remember...she replied "ask Dad" (referring to my Grandfather). I figured that would be hard to do! Oh well, the practical side of dementia.
Back to pets..they are so much fun! My dog, Ebony is currently asleep at my feet while I am typing. She is never very far from me when I am home. It is a really neat kind of loyalty. Totally undeserved but still there no matter what I do. Pretty neat.